Contest of Insults

oday, a number of most different people gathered in the Jolly Roger Inn to match with each other in the art of psychological warfare. It is no secret that for defeating your enemy you don not only need a sharp blade and a swift hand. Demoralizing your enemy by using the right insults is even more important, as a quarrel between Hook and Hawkeye Pike several years ago vividly demonstrates. (They were fighting about a wench, what else!) The winner has not been passed on, but here's the exact wording of said fight:

Hawkeye Pike: Ye stinkin' bag o' seaweed!
Hook: Ye piece of horsedung!
Hawkeye Pike: Ye rotten sea rat!
Hook: Ye saltwater drinking rat!
Hawkeye Pike: Ye foul water corpse!
Hook: Ye ugly seacow!
Hawkeye Pike: Ye landlubbin' bilge crab!
Hook: Ye son of an orcish mage!
Hawkeye Pike: Ye weak sweet water deck swab!
Hook: Ye are da dirt under ma rotten boots!
Hawkeye Pike: Ye are da lice under me tricorne!
Hook: Ye are da fly under ma finger!
Hawkeye Pike: Ye are da mouse in an old man's pants!
Hook: Ye are da bug in ma burning lantern!
Hawkeye Pike: Ye are more dirty dan da rust on yer sword!
Hook: Ye smell more den ma ugliest fart!
Hawkeye Pike: Ye staggerin' drunken jester!
Hook: Ye are da wax in ma ears!
Hawkeye Pike: Ye are da fart in me house!

Anyway, seven participants entered the contest to face each other in a deadly verbal slander. Every one of the present people was to cast one vote for any of the fighters, except for himself. The one with the most votes would win.

The first two entrants were the pirates Aneirin and Schuyler Bain.

Schuyler Bain: So that be a quiver on ye back or you just happy ta see me?
Aneirin: Bain, da bunnies named ye cause dey's da best ye can kill, right?
Schuyler Bain: Har har took you that long to come up wit dat?
Aneirin: Pull yer pants down, I cannae 'ear ya talkin!
Schuyler Bain: Well that would bring us closer together now wudn't it?
Aneirin: Bain, ye cannae 'old yer liquor neither. Bartender gave ya tea an' ye stumbled down the stairs.
Schuyler Bain: That be because your breath is so rank it knocked me over.

Once again, Hook fought Hawkeye Pike:

Hook: Ye blue colored monkey!
Hawkeye Pike: Ye look like a friggin' drunk park ranger!
Hook: Dats my working face. I normaly scare away people and animals wid dat.
Hawkeye Pike: Da Bog Thing I skinned 7 years ago reminds me of yer facial qualities.
Hook: Didn't you had someding going wid dat bog thing? At least I saw ye growing flowers out of dat bog thing's arse.
Hawkeye Pike: Bah, dat's comin' from YOU? At least Melisande's nut going ta throw ye out of bed fer eating crackers.
Hook: Yer mudder had ta raise ye in a dark room cause ye were dat ugly.
Hawkeye Pike: Ye smell worse dan a bag of rotten seaweed dat's been lyin' in da sun fer a week.
Hook: People applauded when ye talk, cause it sounds like a wench.
Hawkeye Pike: Why ye wearin' black? Do ye mourn da dead lice in yer underpants?
Hook: Better den looking like a shaved monkey. I teached dem tricks like talking and dancing. So maybe ye want ta join dem?
Hawkeye Pike: What are ye growin' in yer boots? A selection of Zoogi Fungus or an athlete's foot?

Acolra facing the despicable Mystyrl Shar:

Acolar: You're so ugly I'm gonna have to take off my glasses to do this!
Mystyrl Shar: Did ye actually dye that leather or did ye stain it with yer feces?
Acolar: I've seen better lookin road kill.
Mystyrl Shar: *sniffs* Yeah, the smell leans towards feces.
Acolar: Are you really alive, or are you just here to remind the human race what a decayed body looks like.
Mystyrl Shar: In the future, if anyone tells ya to be yourself, they are not your friend, don't listen.
Acolar: I've seen mongbats with more personallity than you, and they were dead.
Mystyrl Shar: It would make sense, seems you spend the most time with the mongbats. Figures that they would make more sense.
Acolar: Better company than a scarred up ugly waste of a ... wait, are you even female!
Mystyrl Shar: Female enough to know that even if you were the last man...the world would decay into oblivion.
Acolar: A face only a mother could love, I guess.
Mystyrl Shar: Maybe, but then at least I got that one. You don't even have that. Wait, or do the mongbats love you?
Acolar: I'm not so sure about that, but it would be a better alternative to seeing more of you polluting.

And finally, due to an uneven number, Pitr insulted Hawkeye Pike.

Hawkeye Pike: Ye flea-bitten inflated blowfish!
Pitr: You are an insane pirate that devotes too much time to this inn, instead of looking for a family... You should look for a ring and a lass!
Hawkeye Pike: At least me family ain't no tribe o' stinkin' ratmen.
Pitr: Or ratwoman. I won't discriminate.
Hawkeye Pike: Ye wearin' a dress I see. What ye hiding beneath this rag? A sixpack of Lard of Paroxysmus?
Pitr: *looks down* It is because I'm always happy...
Hawkeye Pike: Yer left shoe has more holes than me uncle's 10-year-old fishing net.
Pitr: True that. My orginal shoes
Hawkeye Pike: In yer dress, ye look look like me granny's mom in her nightgown.
Pitr: And you sure have fond memories dont you...
Hawkeye Pike: Speakin' of memories... Da bells on yer hat are fer activating yer brain? No wonder it takes four of dem.
Pitr: They keep my thoughts from running away.

Twor prizes were handed out. Mystyrl Shar won the first prize, as she received three votes, together with Hawkeye Pike. Acolar was second with two votes. Mystyrl received a valuable imbued weapon with the words "Grandmaster of Psychological Warfare" engraved on them. As Hawkeye Pike didn't want the reward, he passed it on to Hook, who received no vote, but is infamous for his verbal fighting power.

01/2010

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